Faith Healer Experiences
[An email response to a discussion on a post-polio email list.]
Thursday, 29 June, 1995
At the Parallel Bars
Hi, Dennis and all who have joined the "Shame" thread -
it really struck a cord with me, too. As kids we all had a natural faith that adults could never duplicate. Sounds like when our parents or some other well-meaning person tried to get us healed, we believed it would happen, then got disillusioned. It is interesting to read the different directions that disillusionment took. And what happens now when people pounce on us.
My parents, also, took me to a faith-healer when I was around 9. This was NOT something one would expect from them. They had a deep and REAL faith in Christ, and looked with a jaundiced eye on the "fringe." But when it was advertised that a famous "faith healer" was coming to Spokane, people really put the squeeze on my mom and dad. "What kind of parents are you, anyway, that you wouldn't try _anything_ to help your little daughter?" And, of course, "Where is your faith?" So they took me to a meeting. Naturally, I was hoping for a miracle, too. So I lined up to be healed, and was pronounced to be by "The Man." I was even told to come back the next night so they could take a picture of me with others for their magazine. Like Philip, I kept waiting for "it" to happen, but it never did. The next night I tripped and fell in the sawdust on the way to the picture line-up. I hadn't had my spinal fusions yet, and had BAD scoliosis; one shoulder was quite a bit higher than the other. A helper of the crusade straightened me out and told me to hold it, and they snapped the picture fast. I knew it was deceit. I knew it was fraud. So did my folks. They apologized to me, then didn't bring it up again. I knew they were embarrassed. Not because they "hadn't had enough faith," they knew better than that, but because they had let themselves be pressured into doing such a thing and putting me through that.
Knowing how my parents felt helped me to deal with my "failure" to be cured. They mirrored for me what I knew to be true - My faith was just fine, and the guy was a fraud. OK, OK, - I know some people claim to have had real healings. And I knew and still know that God could have healed me anyway. Why hadn't He?
In my simple child-like way, I went directly to God and asked Him. I can still see myself standing on the lower steps, pulling myself up to my bedroom with the help of double hand-rails, having this discussion with God. Now, I know this sounds strange, but I believe I got an answer from him, which was a kind, "No, not yet." And I was satisfied.
How could that be??!! See? I told you it would sound strange. But I had already established my own personal relationship with Christ at the age of five, and by the time I was nine, I was reading the Bible regularly for myself. I wanted to find out straight from the Source, not from someone else, who He is, what He says and does. I knew I could trust Him. And you know, that "Not yet" may have to wait until I leave this body behind, but I still believe can trust Him.
Not because I know all the whys and reasons. It miffs me, too, like the rest of you, when people think they have to come up with a reason. As if God needs us to defend Him! If we could totally figure him out, he would be on our level and not be God at all. Nor can I blithely say that I have learned from God that my Polio is good. Of course it isn't. It's awful!! Pain is pain, and it hurts. Even Jesus Himself, when he was facing what He knew would be an unthinkably painful, torturous death, didn't say, "Oh, goodie, goodie! Lay it on me." NO! He was in such agony about it that he sweat blood. And begged to be spared. Because He lacked faith in his Father??!! Of course not! Because pain is painful and it hurts, and he cried, too.
I don't know reasons, but I have seen good in the bad. I have discovered that because I had Polio I am able to draw more joy out of this broken world than most "normal" folks. Life in Irian Jaya, Indonesia was rough. It ruined the health of strong, big men. And here I was, all 4ft.-7in. of me, a large "hitch in my get-along," couldn't run, jump, etc. But had the privilege of living that marvelously rewarding and fascinating life for 17 years. Every day my body was my reminder of what an amazing thing that was. As a result, I found in it far more joy and satisfaction than the "normal" (in body!) missionaries who quickly lost that sense of wonder. And now, even forced to be on my bed so much with PPS, the smallest things can give me pleasure that other people can't get from that same thing because they are so jaded. Ironically, I am the one who in that sense has a better "quality of life." K. Mac. you're right:
After I was diagnosed with PPS, I needed to go back to Irian Jaya to dispose of my stuff and bring back what I wanted to keep. But I had weakened so fast, I needed an attendant in order to make such a daunting journey. A friend went with me - even paid for BOTH of our first-class tickets (there was no way I could have done it back in the "cattle car" section). One place on the way where we stopped for a day's rest was where a missionary lived who is one of "those types" so many of you spoke about. When Gail was wheeling me into the house to go to the bathroom, he said, "Why don't you just put a diaper on her? This is so needless. If people in churches in the US just had enough faith, she wouldn't be like this." Nice guy. Boy, that HURT!
Back in my room by myself I cried and talked to God about it. "How could he do that? Father, he is your child - How could he could he do that to another one of your children?" I don't know. I just don't understand. And I, too, am shamed. I am ashamed that some of God's people can so HORRIBLY mis-represent him, and so badly hurt other people, all of whom God so greatly loves. Tom D. was on target there. Christians DO fall prey to the same fallacies as everyone else. Only I think it's worse, because in doing so they paint such a wrong picture of God. God is neither a cosmic genie nor a divine bully.
Lylah, you're right - it does take more faith to deal with it than to be healed from it. DavidG, Philip, Sandra, Dennis, Linda O. and the rest of you I've forgotten (sorry), you're right, too. Right in knowing that you were not the ones who were wrong in those encounters. How people can perpetrate such indignities on other human beings in the name of God is more than I can understand.
Oh, oh, I've kind of gone to preaching here! Now you know how to get me riled! Well, remember, y'all, that all of the above is in my humble opinion of course!
